Meaningless Meaningful
by This Girl Maybe
Summary: No, we can't talk about it now" - - Spoilers for Threads and Affinity.


**Meaningless. Meaningful.**

Summary: _"No, we can't talk about it now."_ Spoiler-ish for **Threads **and **Affinity**.

Author Notes: Not my characters, but I'll have Sam if anyone's offering. The lyrics are from "Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab For Cutie.

x x x x x x x x x

It was supposed to be different this time. Everything was supposed to be different. He was supposed to feel more, love _her_ less. This woman was meant to make him forget about blonde hair and blue eyes and the thousand things he couldn't have. There had been others; nameless flirts in dirty bars outside cities he couldn't remember. They fawned and laughed at jokes they didn't understand, and would brag to their friends about "the hot older guy" they slept with before moving on to the next. They were too young and carefree and everything he didn't want. If he blurred his vision with the aid of copious amounts of alcohol, he could see _her_ lying in his motel bedroom. He always drank too much.

_(This is the moment that you know that you told you loved her but you don't)_

It was supposed to be different this time. She liked him, and he liked her. But it wasn't enough. It never was. Until he had _her_, there would never be enough. He had good chemistry with her; she was intelligent, beautiful and understood his sarcastic humour. They had good sex, but all it felt like was waiting. Using her to pass the time until something in his second in command would click and she'd run to him. The worst and possibly the scariest thing was that he could see the years stretched out of him; Kerry on one side and Carter on the other and allowing huge swathes of himself to be lost to the one person he couldn't have.

_(You touch her skin and then you think that she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me)_

He hoped, almost prayed that she would realise how he was treating her, what he was using her for and finally, she did. There were the obligatory excuses but it didn't feel like he'd lost anything in her, but more he'd lost his hold on Carter. Soon there was no turning back, no "moments", nothing because she would be Mrs Pete Shanahan and he would succumb to a life of loneliness, always waiting for her. One day, she'd leave the Air Force and have children with the cop husband, and he would be lurking in the shadows, dreaming of a life he never had. A wave of horror rushed over him at the though of her leaving, far more sickening than the notion of her finally getting married to Shanahan; for as long as she was in the military, he had a point of contact with her, a way to see her every day as though their relationship was something more. Even though she'd become engaged to someone else, he'd rather stand by and watch her with another man than lose her altogether.

_(Wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking as we moved together in the dark)_

He tapped his pen on the desk, a crisp white sheet of paper lying in front of him. He'd stared at it for so long, his mind began to imagine black text appearing miraculously as though it were somehow easy, as though all it took were his hands to write a few simple words and that was the end of it all. It was never that easy. His whole life had been a mess of confusion and regret, and the three things that he loved most in the world he had lost; Charlie was gone, and his relationship with Sara was never going to be the same. The third person was fading, admittedly he hadn't lost her completely. Not just yet.

He stopped tapping the pen, and held it in his hand, the nib pausing a millimetre away from the sheet of paper. He scrawled the date on the page, and began writing. Almost furiously, his hand worked across the page and he paused to re-read the words. Nothing apart from job dissatisfaction was mentioned in his reasons for quitting, and it surprised him really how easy it was to write it. The words came spilling out from him as his brain provided reasons why staying on at the base really wasn't a viable option anymore.

_(And all the friends that I was telling and all the playful misspellings)_

Before he knew it, he had signed the letter and stuffed the page into an envelope. Opening the lowest drawer in his desk, he slid it on top of various briefing notes and locked it before leaving his office. The letter would wait until tomorrow. One night wouldn't make a difference to his supposedly platonic relationship with Carter. This time he wasn't going to win.

Saying a goodbye to Walter, he wandered through the corridors in the general direction of the exit, but looked in on the variety of scientists, technicians and soldiers that were still working all over the base. He hadn't understood why General Hammond had always poked his head round the corner when Jack knew he had dozens of items of paperwork to catch up on, but he did now. He felt like a surrogate father figure and therefore it was in his duties to watch over his charges. If it happened to include a quick round with Teal'c and bugging Carter, then so be it.

Finally having cast an eye over most of the workers, and telling most of them to get some much needed sleep, he meandered to the elevator where Carter was standing in her civvies. He tried to not notice the distinctly low cut top underneath her jacket and the leather trousers she was wearing that clung to her legs.

"Carter," He greeted her, his eyes fixed upon her face. He didn't dare look down further.

"Sir," She greeted him with a smile, and pressed the elevator button again, "Finished for the night?"

"Yeah," He ran a hand through his unruly hair that despite spending all his time on world still seemed to look like he'd been rolling around in a forest fighting Jaffa, "If you think signing paperwork, in triplicate I might add, wouldn't be tiring?...Well, you'd be wrong."

She held up her hands with a small grin, "I'm not saying a word."

"Well good," He rolled on his heels, "'Cause otherwise I may be forced to recommend you for a job thats coming up at the base."

She frowned, obviously lost at his curious words, "What job is that?" She asked, her eyes diverting from him and smiling amiably at a passing technician.

"The one I'm resigning from."

A moment of silence seemed to wash over her, as Jack watched her take the news in as she seemingly froze in a position of wide eyed disbelief. He leant against the wall, as she tried to form a response. "Resigning? What brought this on?"

"My job brought this on Carter," He replied, shoving his hands into his pockets, "It turns out that being able to do whatever you like does have its limitations."

She nodded as though she understood, but Jack bet she thought he was a crazy man. "As long as its what you want."

"Oh, trust me, it is."

She smiled weakly, biting her lip as though she wanted to ask him something but thought better of it. After a moment of silence, which was less than comfortable, she spoke; "How does Kerry feel about this?"

_(And every bite I gave you left a mark)_

"Wouldn't know," He replied uncomfortably. He was sure he'd told her. Or not.

"You haven't told her yet?" She questioned, slightly incredulously.

"No, I haven't," Jack told her, "Kerry's not...around...any more."

She paused a moment before quizzing him, a moment in which she seemed to understand what he was telling her, "Oh," She said, her eyes searching his own, "How long has she...not been around for?"

"Couple of days," He decided to be honest, "Things weren't working out." The elevator doors opened with no-one inside. They both moved into the small compartment and he pressed the button for the top level, "She didn't like The Simpsons."

She knew he was trying to alleviate the tension, knew that there was more than he made out and a tiny part of her unwillingly guessed what it might have been, but she ignored it and played along with the pretence, "Well you can't date someone who doesn't like The Simpsons."

"That's exactly what I thought," He replied, giving her a sideways look, "You and Pete off somewhere nice tonight?"

A shiver ran through her spine at the mention of his name and she swallowed awkwardly, looking at Jack's face which, with relief, didn't seem to portray any knowledge of her sudden frostiness with Pete, and their relationship which was predictably crumbling; she mentally reminded herself she should have trusted Daniel when he promised not to divulge anything. "Why would you think that?" She asked, aiming for a tone that was light and jokey, rather than the somewhat gravelly timbre than emanated from her lips.

"The outfit." He replied simply, wondering why her mood had suddenly dropped.

"Oh, no, we're not actually. Quiet night in, trying to catch up on my science journals."

"That sounds..."

"Fun?"

"Not the word I was going to use, but sure, why not?"

She smiled in spite of herself, "It will be. I'm actually going to take some proper downtime this weekend."

The elevator stopped, the doors opening to reveal several base employees on the other side who saluted the pair. Moving out, they walked out of the compartment, "Good for you Carter," He smiled, "You deserve it. Personally I'll be watching The Simpsons all Saturday, but of course I'm not sure if that matches up to your raving day though..." She grinned.

Before they even reached the exit, a technician ran up behind them, clipboard in hand and accosted Sam with a jumble of questions. Jack gave her a sympathetic look, and the scientist a warning one that reminded him not to bother his 2IC for too long, "I'll see you after the weekend Carter."

She smiled absently, already focusing on the problem in hand, "Bye Sir," She turned to the technician before turning round to look at his departing back, "Enjoy your Simpsons marathon."

"Oh, I will."

x x x x x x x x x x x

It was his fourth beer, he remembered, as he moved from the refrigerator to the living room where the television was currently showing ad breaks in between the marathon of Simpsons episodes. He'd managed to finish almost all of his paperwork actually on time, so like Carter, he was having his relaxing Saturday night before getting back to the base on Sunday to do something with that resignation letter sitting in his drawer.

As he settled onto the couch, his mind drifted back to Carter and his conversation with her before they'd left the base the night before. It was almost like Pete didn't exist, as though he hadn't created a huge chasm between them that day by day looked less likely to heal. She'd seemed so relaxed, and he'd felt like his old self around her, the old self he'd been before he'd gone and fallen for his second in command and everything between them became that much more...tense.

His doorbell rung, and he jumped up from the couch. He presumed it was next door, overly worrying, neighbours who were having a rather loud party and were coming over to apologise as they usually did, and then would issue an invitation. Tonight he didn't feel like talking or seeing anyone; he'd just resigned from the best base in the world and given up an Air Force career that had been his life and kept him alive. He wasn't in the mood for small talk and strangers.

Wandering slowly over to the door, knowing that his neighbours had probably seen the lights and his Jeep in the driveway so he couldn't pretend he wasn't in, he opened the door to find no-one standing in front of him. Looking down to the corner of the door, he saw a rectangular object and picked it up.

As he turned it round to read the writing on the plastic box, he frowned but as his eyes glanced over the words on the attached note, he smiled knowingly to himself. He scanned the road but there was no sign of her.

He took the note from the sellotape it had been fastened with, and re-read it;

_This episode is my favourite. It actually makes a lot of sense. Like someone else I know. Fast forward until its ten minutes in._

_S x x x_

He took another cursory look around his front yard before going back inside the house, shivering from the cold he walked towards the VCR and slipped the video inside. Fast forwarding like she had commanded, he played the video tape and watched the screen as Homer began to get nervous as he and Marge talked. Eventually, it was ten minutes exactly on the counter at the bottom of the screen as Marge spoke; _"I have nothing to offer you except all of my love."_

**The End**


End file.
